The names have been changed to protect the innocent. SPOILER WARNING. Ron, DM: “When last we left our heroes, they were trudging through the endless winter in search of the Plague Tree. Their quest: to eliminate the Witch Queen, who has brought the plague unto humanity and—“ Vin: “Who are we again?”

Ron: “It says right there on your character sheet. Just let me do my thing and we’ll get to introductions.” Tom: (looking at the sheets) “Is no one a healer? Did we seriously not bring a healer?” Bob: “I don’t know, man, a Witch Queen bringing about the Black Death, doesn’t that seem a little, I dunno, sexist? I mean, it was basically the poor hygiene habits of Europeans that…”

Ron: (roll) “The Witch Queen attacks. (Vin rolls, nat 20) Vin, you use your flaming sword and kill her.” Vin: “I want to mumble something cryptic.” Ron: “Roll for acting.” Vin: “Hey, I’m a great actor!” (glares; rolls) Ron: “You mumble something about Iron & Blood in a flat, monotone. But wait! (rolls) Yes! The Witch Queen curses you to live forever. Everyone roll new characters.” All: (groans) Tom: “Can I be a healer this time?” Bob: “I need a drink.” Vin: “Can I shave this ridiculous beard of mine?”

Vin: “It’s 800 hundred years later, has my Acting skill improved?” Ron: “No.” Vin: “But I can’t die, right?” Ron: (rolls) “Right.” Vin: “Word.”

Bob: (drinking) “I use my powers of being a hot red witch to take a selfie with Vinny boy over there.” Vin: “Be nice!” Tom: “Can I be the level 14 Warlock?” All: “No!” Tom: “But he’s like, level 2 billion! (points)”

Vin: “Oh! Ronny, can I play this brooding, immortal, cursed being who has lost the desire to live and just wanders through the modern world without a sense of the finer things it has to offer because all my friends and loved ones have died, and forming intimate attractions is a living death to me?” Ron: “I guess. But what if we need you for the sequel? There’s more darkness coming, and while this may be only a one-off module, we need to keep it open for potential future adventures with your character. Vin: “Oh! That sounds good, too! Let’s do that. Do I get a cool car?”

Bob: “Who’s this Zac Brown Band looking motherfucker again?” Ron: “He’s a witch.” Tom: “I bet he’s a level 14 Warlock.” Bob drinks, again. The bottle is half empty. Ron: “Actually, he’s a necromancer.” Tom: “Whatever. Can I kill him?” Ron: “No.” Tom: “Why?” Ron: “Because your character, the helpful servant who looks a lot like Frodo, is useless and utterly insignificant to the plot and hottie McYouKnowNothing over there is just here to get Vin like super high. And the old guy is sleeping, because he’s contractually obligated to be in the entire film.”

Vin: “Aah! Curse your sudden yet unexpected betrayal!” Tom: I did what? Why? That makes no sense. Ron: “The dice don’t lie.” Bob: (drinks, heavily)